1, 2,3....School. Getting Them the Help They Need

Fall has arrived and with it, the next school challenges. Many of our FRUA parents have already had your first back-to-school nights. Many of you may be hearing about new issues, or addressing learning or behavior challenges that came out last school year, only to subside over the summer and return with the advent of the new school-year routine. Which brings me to #3:

 #3 Get them the help they need....It doesn't take an expert to tell us that our kids can be complicated and they don't come with instruction manuals. Just when we've got one problem figured out, something else can pop up.  With each challenge we had, we tried to get the help needed at the time. That's what we parents do; get them the help they need  as we go, to help them reach their potential, whatever level that may be.

Many of you may be facing your first IEP meetings for your children.  For the first few years, we found it helpful, as FRUA-Wisconsin parents, to accompany each other to those meetings and continued that with FRUA-Colorado parent support. Not only did it give us a person on our side to take notes during those tense meetings, but it provided confirmation of our points. Often the other FRUA parent could second the things we had to say about the environments from which our children had come and the typical behaviors of post-institutionalized children. They could support our suggestions for classroom or instructional needs. (Note to parents: I learned NEVER to advocate as something only my child needed...a sure way to get shot down. Instead Ilearned the language of  "this could help the whole classroom learn better." Or..."this suggestion could help all the children understand the concept better."). I didn't shy away from saying I'd put in parent volunteer time, either.  My chosen location: the study library - an hour or two a week. As a working mom, I knew those hours were more beneficial to my kids than lunch out and it let my daughter see that I supported her perseverance.

Not all the issues we confronted were connected; sometimes we had three things going at once. We'd try to figure out what was going on and which issue to address first. Usually the safety things came first. Sometimes those we consulted didn't agree. Or because of the IEP, we found that the school could only provide support for a secondary issue because that's where the funding is these days. We kept plugging away. But here's the thing we can loose sight of while trying to get our kids the help they need. We're the experts – the ones who know our kids better than anyone else with initials behind their names. If you think something isn't right...change something, pursue answers, persist. Don't wait, because our kids surely don't.

So as we bring you the third of the three things that every adoptive parents needs to practice...for the days when it all just seems to be too much....just remember. Its' 1...2...3... love them, stop helicoptering and get them the help they need to reach their potential.

Here's to a successful school year for all our FRUA children,

Jan Wondra

Vice Chair

National Board of Directors

Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption

1,2, 3....School. Stop Helicoptering

By now the back packs have been adjusted, the new school bus pick-up spots begin to become routine, and pics of the first day of school have been posted to your Facebook  page. You may be anticipating the first school Parent Night of the year.

No matter the age of one's children, hope for a great school year is riding high. We're on the other end of the school years at our house; it happens so quickly. Our daughter, Katie (Russia, 1994) has begun her senior year at Colorado State University; doing well in her major, and deep into presidential leadership of her chapter of Chi Omega sorority. Our son is a married, second-year grad student at Johns Hopkins SAIS in Washington DC. He's not beyond asking the occasional piece of advice, but capable of authoring policy pieces that I often need a dictionary to understand.

It is at precisely this point in the school year when I used to write the following two words on a sticky note and slap it on my bathroom mirror:

#2. Stop helicoptering.  

Let your kids make some mistakes, the earlier the better. We can't save them from everything. No matter if your kids are eight or eighteen, challenged, or average or brilliant, adopted or biological, there comes a point when we have to back up and let them fall. Failure at a young age is OK.  Say this out loud, moms and dads. "Failure at a young age is OK." 

This is true, not just because we're here to help them through it, but because it can help make our kids more resilient. We get to say, “Well, pick up and try again.” We can say that because of #1 (below). As adoptive parents, we know our kids can come with more than their share of challenges. Showing them how to keep trying...and trying...and trying... is a gift. In a past blog post, I shared the story of how Katie's kindergarten teacher and I cooked up a spelling word challenge. She learned to spell the word 'perseverance' at age five as a sing-song; the word itself teaching her its meaning and how to put it in practice. It's still her word. 

Attending freshman parent orientation at CSU four years ago, I actually heard a mother express concern to the head of student services that her son would not wake up for classes and what would the university do to assure that he made it to class. The Dean stared at her for a moment and said "Madam, if you have not taught your son that it is his own responsibility to show up for class by this time, perhaps he needs to understand the consequences."

Parent nights are coming, folks....slap that sticky note on your mirror. Then pick a word for the school year and create a partnership with your kids' teachers...its time for some lessons! This weekend...#3.

Jan Wondra

Vice Chair

National Board of Directors

Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption